Thursday, January 17, 2008

Warning - Nervous Breakdown Ahead

Nervous breakdown is also called emotional breakdown or mental breakdown. To ordinary people that means a time of great stress when you have a lot of identity confusion. I believe many times that this marks a time of transition in a person's life not necessarily a time when the 'world is ending.'

A nervous breakdown is not a time to lost hope or give up. The positive perspective is that you are in a time of transformation from one personality pattern to another healthier personality pattern. It is a 'Positive Breakdown.'

Do you make the mistake of taking on the troubles of the world, too serious, not enough freedom and fun. You might be in the Super responsible (Parental Inversion) life style pattern.

If you have read my article on Nervous Breakdown you would know that such patterns do not last forever. They are imbalanced and we tip over. We squelch our inner child and end up in depresssion.

When something goes wrong, do you think or say: "It's my fault." If so I think you might live with the belief that there is something wrong with you.

Boundaries might be a problem. You do not know where your responsibility ends. You do too much. Add a little self pity. Whine and bitch and you have the family Martyr life style.

One reason this might result in a nervous breakdown is because you meet the needs of others but ignore your own needs.

Study my 'positive disintegration' view of the nervous breakdown. Then you will know that a new better life and higher integration may emerge from a nervous breakdown.

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

How to feel adequate

If you are not confident in yourself you will feel it. Others will feel it as well.

Some people will not feel adequate or competent because the lose the identity by focusing on pleasing others. This is classical People Pleaser or Performance Orientation.

Another type - the ones I call Super Responsible - (Parental Inversion by Sandfords) may also feel indequate. The reason, almost invariably, is the internal Judge that goes along with Super-responsible.

The Super responsible person may think everything that goes wrong is "My Fault." Associated with that quick 'my fault' is beliefs that 'something is wrong with me,' 'I'm bad,' 'I deserve to be punished' and 'I don't deserve good things.'

When something goes wrong with his performance, his achievement, his competative edge, or he is criticized, the People Pleaser goes into an immediate funk, depression, (or anger) state with beliefs like "I am no good," "I am unloveable," "nobody can love me" and "I am bad." This pattern is described more in The Program and the Pit.

One answer to feeling inadequate is The are adequacy is not of ourselves, says Paul(2 Corinthians 3:4), but our adequacy is of Christ. This helps one to stop focusing on self. That helps.

To some extent we decide how we see ourselves. We make choices to be and feel adequate. People then respond to our confidence. It starts with us.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond

Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond

There are many ways that a person can allow and encourage the personal connection, the bonding, and the love connection that God intends for the marriage relationship. God puts us together by providing these mechanisms. We tear marriage apart by avoiding these mechanisms. Avoid most of them most of the time and you may well succeed in putting asunder what God has intended to be together.

  1. Make eye contact. Make eye contact when love-making.

  2. Allowing togetherness - the afterglow - the calming down together - which occurs naturally after love making.

  3. In conversation, allowing topics that are personal.

  4. In conversation, allowing some problem solving, some confronting of the things that produce negative feelings.

  5. Allow positive confrontation without abuse or name calling.

  6. In conversation, responding to or acknowledging the other.

More about strenthening your marriage bond on

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Listening Prayer Therapy and Leanne Payne

Listening Prayer Therapy and Leanne Payne
Leanne Payne: Teaches inner healing through the presence of God; has written The Healing Presence and Listening Prayer.
Leanne Payne teaches the importance of listening prayer and practicing the presence of God.
She supplied the insights, the theological foundations and encouragement to use listening prayer for inner and emotional healing. By doing this, she laid the framework for professional Listening Prayer Therapy.
I consider Leanne Payne to one of my mentors(See And a significant contributor to the Second Generation of Inner Healing.
Leanne Payne provided a foundation to Life Transformation through Listening Prayer and through practicing the Presence of Christ.
Leanne Payne, of Pastoral Care Ministries, learned to practice the presence of God as the way toward healing. She says: "I was learning to see the invisible with the eyes of my heart, to hear the inaudible with the ears of my hears. In other words, I had come to rely on God's Healing Presence with His people." (The Healing Presence, page xv)
To follow her is to develop deep confidence in God's faithfulness to speak to us when we ask Him to and we listen.

My web site on Listening prayer is under construction. At the moment there are articles on:
Faith of the heart prayers, Head vs Heart Faith in faith of the heart prayer, How to do Healing Prayer, How to break a curse, What is listening prayer?, how to do listening prayer, How to pray for protection, prayer with the human spirit, types of prayer - intercessory prayer, What is prayer?, What is the power of prayer? How to do healing Prayer, Healing prayer for cancer.

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Chrisitian Inner Healing

Inner Healing is a set of principles and procedures that can be used by qualified Christian professionals to bring inner and emotional healing to individuals through a healing encounter with God. Problems in marriage can also be resolved in depth by Chrisitan Inner Healing that transforms unhealthy personality patterns - patterns that block closeness in marriage and lead to hurt and withdrawal.
Chrisitian Inner Healing Prayer Therapy has been effectively applied to many significant life issues because it uses a healing encounter with God to bring positive change to unhealthy personality patterns. With the tools of Life Transformation Therapy a professional can provide significant support to the treatment of:
trauma abuse,
addictive behaviors,
eating disorders,
alcohol addiction,
sexual addictions,
drug addictions.
problems in marriage.
I consider the first generation of inner healing to be the innovators such as Agnes Sanford. Early on and just after committing my life to Christ I was given a key book by Agnes Sanford that outlined principles of effective prayer for healing.
After her death those that learned from the pioneers in Inner Healing continued to develope this new field. Teachers and writers such as Leanne Payne, John Sandford and Paula Sandford are the ones I am most familiar with.
I consider myself part of a third generation of writers and teachers who are taking the field of Christian inner healing into the next phase of development.

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Premarital counselling - what I do.

Premarital counselling helps you understand and evaluate your relationship. In premarital counselling you can also learn to solve problems in your relationship.

Couples consider conflicts are a negative sign. But think about it, won't two healthy passionate individuals with personal goals have conflicts. This is part of being two differnt people.

Better to focus on how conflicts, hurts, issues impact your closeness. My Premarital counselling will focus on those issues that are impacting trust, love and healthy bonding.

Many couples come to premarital counselling to be sure they are in a healthy relationship. I will evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

I believe that every marriage will have difficult issues to deal with. Unresolved root issues from childhood will surface. They can bring down a marriage. Premarital counselling helps you become comfortable working together with a therapist so these can be dealt with when they arise later.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Spiritual Direction - what is it?

On is the following service:

Spiritual Direction. You might choose to focus on the spiritual direction aspect of Life Transformation. In spiritual direction there is an increased focus on one's relationship with God.

The same insights and tools that are useful in core belief therapy are also effective when we turn to dealing with your issues with God.
Really, in my experience, the process of Life Transformation can and will enhance one's relationship with God. In spiritual direction we are able to deepen, enhance and consolidate this.

Long distance: 1 877 854-3990; in Mississauga, Oakville, Etobicoke, Toronto: (416) 234-1850.

My understanding is that Spiritual Direction is a therapeutic relationship whose focus in one's relationship with God. The person, the being we call God, is assumed to be an active partner in everyone's life. Spiritual direction focusses on that relationship.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Parenting Breakthrough by Dr. Nelson

Dr. Nelson writes "The one Minute Scolding" - a breakthrough in parenting.

This book is good because it outlines a revolution in successful parenting. Dr. Nelson really thought this through and solved the problem.

What is the problem he solved? How to discipline effectively while strengthening the bond of child to parent.

Any method of isolation for discipline is a form of distancing. Dr. Nelson wanted a form of discipline that brough parent and child closer.

Too many parenting courses expect parenting to be done in an unemotional manner. Dr. Nelson effectively incorporates the parent's emotion, in fact, uses emotion to make discipline more effective.

Emotional discipline can result in a negative self-image in the child. Dr. Nelson is very clear as to how to avoid this.

I nominate Dr. Nelson for the Nobel Peace Prize in the science of parenting.

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Silent Divorce - a Biblical reflection

Silent divorce is about a marriage where the partners still live together but have separate lives. It is married people living like singles.

Silent divorce may mean that the marriage partners almost never talk.
Silent divorce might mean that the sexual relationship has ended, but that is only part of it.

To understand marriage and to understand silent divorce, I want us to consider what is the fundamental spiritual truth that is key to God's heart for marriage.

What is the spirit and truth about marriage and silent divorce? Marriage counsellors now see that bonding, attachment, secure loving connection is key to understanding couple relationships. See Susan Johnson and Emotionally Focussed Therapy.

The Bible also values our bonding (clinging to) God and the bonding (one flesh) between man and woman.

How important is bonding to our relationship with God? I believe the Bible reveals that it is vital, in fact essential, to our souls, to eternal life. After all eternal life is defined in terms of an intimate relationship - as knowing God the Father and His Son, Jesus the Messiah (John 17:2 ).

The parallel truth is that bonding vital and essential to the truth and spirit of marriage.

Jesus makes clear, in John 15:2 that branches that bear no fruit are cut off by the Father. Such branches fail to remain united with God - the True Vine. "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine." Jesus says "Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me."

The parallel truth is that the fruit God wants from marriage flows from bonding between husband and wife. God's Spirit and kingdom can flow from the vital oneness of man and woman.

John 15 says that branches that do not remain in the vine die and are cut off. What about a marriage where the vital connection is dead and the energy is all negative - a silent divorce.

In the case of silent divorce would a wise and loving God not want an end to a marriage that is dead - where bonding is broken?

If the life and health of the marriage partners is God's primary concern - not the 'holiness of marriage' - then (if the marriage is dead and children are not involved) I think God would want and end to pretense, to silent divorce so that life and love can flow.

More about silent divorce and bonding on see Silent divorce and Bonding, marriage and silent divorce.

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Anger management courses

Anger management courses are the new religion. There is a ritual required to appease the higher powers - police and courts.

Anger management courses provide intellectual exercises to deal with an emotional problem. Unfortunately, the emotional control centers of the brain override the cognitive centers in times of stress.

Anger management courses also require confession. On a regular basis, one must admit to one’s charges without protest. This confession of guilt helps provide absolution by the ‘higher powers.’

Anger management courses do not deal with some of the foundational issues underlying rage, violence and loss of control.

For men especially there is a need for a sense of personal empowerment. One needs to feel powerful rather than weak and vulnerable. Any request or confrontation by the woman may trigger painful feelings of being weak, vulnerable and without power.

This may manifest in a marriage in grabbing for the power – to be “King of the Castle.” This is one of the blocks to marriage bonding that I describe on

True authority, an anger management course instructor might say, flows from a peaceful, calm sense of confidence. “Men, be the steady captain of the ship in a storm.”

Self-talk that is positive could help. Even if your partner is out of control emotionally, you can remain steady.

Self control is a sign of inner confidence. An Anger management course might give a person the self-talk script to remain confident in an emotional storm.

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Monday, January 07, 2008

Idolatry of the Mind

On I describe idolatry of the mind and name it the "Autonomous Mind." I see this as a block to marriage.

Bonding in marriage, the close and secure connection upon which a marriage is built, is faced with a block to marriage, if the emotions are blocked. The person with an Autonomous Mind squelches emotions. Example, English 'stiff upper lip.'

So the "Autonomous Mind" syndrome is a block to bonding in marriage. Whatever blocks bonding in marriage will lead to the downfall of the marriage.

One of two things will happen. As bonding is blocked, or as the vital connection comes untethered, the marriage will end up in a divorce or an unrecognized state of marriage death called "silent divorce." See article on bonding, marriage and silent divorce.

If a woman is married to a man who operates as an "Autonomous Mind." She may become angry and frustrated with his constant intellectual and rational approach to life. She might long form a man that is more personal, warm and intimate instead of a silent divorce.

She may prod him to be emotional be getting him angry. She may wither into loneliness and depression. She may leave him, or get involved in an affair, searching for love, life and a secure relationship where her heart can safely trust in her man (Proverbs 31).

If in legal divorce we are recognizing a silent divorce, how would Jesus look at that?

Remember that Jesus looked at the motive of the heart and the true emotional and spiritual reality. Is silent divorce a time when He would say: "Marriage is made for man, not man for marriage?"

God is holy and can judge whether a marriage is sustained by a life-giving connection or not. God's will is for a life-giving connection to Him (John 15 - the Vine and the Branches) and for couples to live out and experience a life-giving and life-enhancing love relationship.

We are overly focussed on 'Holy Matrimony;' need to be more focussed on our Holy God.

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Friday, January 04, 2008

Christian marriage retreat

A Christian marriage retreat is used my couples for a variety of reasons:

  • Finding it too slow attending one hour weekly appointments - getting discouraged.
  • Have been separated and want to invest a lot in making it work or finding out that it will not work.
  • Couples in distress may be in a similar predicament: "We don't know if this will work. We can't stand a slow set of weekly appointments. There is too much pain. Lets invest intensely in a retreat and make it or break it."
  • Some couples want to stay together but have not been able to break out of a marriage block. One individual may have shut down sexually and they want an expert at core issues to explore and bring healing to the core issues.
Frankly, I benefit from Christian marriage retreats too!

I benefit because:
  • In a retreat I almost always can go into a depth not possible in individual sessions.
  • The creative atmosphere and focus on one couple for several days usually means that new insights develop.
  • As well as insights, new methods or tools may be forged in working with one couple that can be used with other couples.
  • I am passionate about helping people and it is a great joy and encouragement to see a couple benefit from a Christian marriage retreat.
The results can be conveyed to some extent by the testimonies on