Silent Divorce - a Biblical reflection

Silent divorce is about a marriage where the partners still live together but have separate lives. It is married people living like singles.

Silent divorce may mean that the marriage partners almost never talk.
Silent divorce might mean that the sexual relationship has ended, but that is only part of it.

To understand marriage and to understand silent divorce, I want us to consider what is the fundamental spiritual truth that is key to God's heart for marriage.

What is the spirit and truth about marriage and silent divorce? Marriage counsellors now see that bonding, attachment, secure loving connection is key to understanding couple relationships. See Susan Johnson and Emotionally Focussed Therapy.

The Bible also values our bonding (clinging to) God and the bonding (one flesh) between man and woman.

How important is bonding to our relationship with God? I believe the Bible reveals that it is vital, in fact essential, to our souls, to eternal life. After all eternal life is defined in terms of an intimate relationship - as knowing God the Father and His Son, Jesus the Messiah (John 17:2 ).

The parallel truth is that bonding vital and essential to the truth and spirit of marriage.

Jesus makes clear, in John 15:2 that branches that bear no fruit are cut off by the Father. Such branches fail to remain united with God - the True Vine. "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine." Jesus says "Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me."

The parallel truth is that the fruit God wants from marriage flows from bonding between husband and wife. God's Spirit and kingdom can flow from the vital oneness of man and woman.

John 15 says that branches that do not remain in the vine die and are cut off. What about a marriage where the vital connection is dead and the energy is all negative - a silent divorce.

In the case of silent divorce would a wise and loving God not want an end to a marriage that is dead - where bonding is broken?

If the life and health of the marriage partners is God's primary concern - not the 'holiness of marriage' - then (if the marriage is dead and children are not involved) I think God would want and end to pretense, to silent divorce so that life and love can flow.

More about silent divorce and bonding on www.HealMyLife.com: see Silent divorce and Bonding, marriage and silent divorce.

Idolatry of the Mind

On www.HealMyLife.com I describe idolatry of the mind and name it the "Autonomous Mind." I see this as a block to marriage.

Bonding in marriage, the close and secure connection upon which a marriage is built, is faced with a block to marriage, if the emotions are blocked. The person with an Autonomous Mind squelches emotions. Example, English 'stiff upper lip.'

So the "Autonomous Mind" syndrome is a block to bonding in marriage. Whatever blocks bonding in marriage will lead to the downfall of the marriage.

One of two things will happen. As bonding is blocked, or as the vital connection comes untethered, the marriage will end up in a divorce or an unrecognized state of marriage death called "silent divorce." See article on bonding, marriage and silent divorce.

If a woman is married to a man who operates as an "Autonomous Mind." She may become angry and frustrated with his constant intellectual and rational approach to life. She might long form a man that is more personal, warm and intimate instead of a silent divorce.

She may prod him to be emotional be getting him angry. She may wither into loneliness and depression. She may leave him, or get involved in an affair, searching for love, life and a secure relationship where her heart can safely trust in her man (Proverbs 31).

If in legal divorce we are recognizing a silent divorce, how would Jesus look at that?

Remember that Jesus looked at the motive of the heart and the true emotional and spiritual reality. Is silent divorce a time when He would say: "Marriage is made for man, not man for marriage?"

God is holy and can judge whether a marriage is sustained by a life-giving connection or not. God's will is for a life-giving connection to Him (John 15 - the Vine and the Branches) and for couples to live out and experience a life-giving and life-enhancing love relationship.

We are overly focussed on 'Holy Matrimony;' need to be more focussed on our Holy God.