Am I married? A test.

A marriage ceremony and a marriage certificate does not guarantee that one is married if by married we are referring to the emotional connection that the Bible calls 'one flesh.'

If you come to me - a professional counselor - and share information that strongly suggests that you are in a marriage that is not a marriage, I might suggest the following things to do to clarify this issue.

1. Know yourself and your mission and values:
I would suggest you spend some time on your own life, your life's purpose, your life's values. Know who you are.

2. Look at, write down, all the signs, all the clues that indicate that you spouse is not married. One example is language. Do they use the language of 'we.'

3. Compare ambitions. Are you on the same page? Are you equally yoked or is one doing all the giving and the other is taking?

4. Are there major warning signs that this is not a stable healthy relationship? Is there an abusive component to the relationship? Does one partner always have to be right or in control? Does this mean it is nearly impossible to have constructive criticism, confrontation or raising of issues without getting derailed?

5. What is your vision for marriage? What is negotiable and what is nonnegotiable? Are you already being forced to compromise your core values in order to make this work? Is it unlikely that what you want in a marraige is going to happen? That you will always be doing your best to 'make it work.'

6. What is God's heart on marriage? I base my theology of marriage on John 15 and point to the spirit and truth of marriage as the secure bond, the unity and connection upon which one can build a life. My best guess is that God holds us accountable for the relationship and is not as concerned with the legalities and religious rituals. Think this through for yourself.