Love avoidance and marriage avoidance

What happens when we mess up by avoiding the marriage or love bond?


God calls us to close intimate relationships with others especially our spouse or life partner. In general we are called to "love" one another.  In marriage God call us to 'cling to,' bond with, become emotionally and securely attached to our partner.

Many of us habitually and unconsciously avoid close intimate relationships and, therefore, the marriage or love bond.  We mess with God's plan.  We fall (sinfully) short of God's plan.  We do not cooperate with God in His "putting you together."

Instead we develop (sinful) habits that allow us (unconsciously) to avoid the marriage bond.  By avoiding close intimate relationships we mess with God's provision - the love bond. We too much act in ways that "put assunder."

The (sinful) habit patterns and personality patterns we fall into can be compared with addictions. Like an addiction there is some reward.  Like fig leaves that only partially cover our shame and reduce our vulnerability, these habits only partially overcome loneliness and somewhat unsatisfactorily meet our need for emtional security.

Marriage is the institution many persons turn to for love, to meet their god-given need for close, safe, bonding and real communion with another.  However, a civil and religious institution cannot meet our needs; cannot guarantee love.

Marriage is not, ultimately, holy.  Only God is ultimately holy and the source of life, love and health.

Love, itself, is holier than marriage.  Love is of God and God is the ultimate source of love.  Legal marriage claims to sanctify sex but my intuition is that love bonding, the marriage bond, is what sanctifies sex, not marriage.

Marriage is not Love. Marriage is built by fallen broken people who habitually and unconsciously avoid close intimate relationships. Each of us has our dark side (the potential for evil in our emotional repertoire).  Therefore each partner carries the potential to undermine their marriage.  Once you let your 'dark side' take over your marriage bond, your love bond, the heart and core of your marriage will soon die, the cord of life broken.  What remains is not life giving.

The sinful fallen nature in each of us will allow us to avoid close intimate relationship with God and our life partner.  Our dark side will allow the marriage bond to weaken and, eventually, to break.  Therefore, most of us would clearly benefit from a set of sessions in bonding focused couple therapy also called emotionally focused couple therapy.  (These are links to my web site: www.HealMyLife.com.)

Marriage Addiction is dependence upon a substitute for real, holy, life-giving marriage.  Marriage addiction provides  some companionship (so we are not alone) and some safety (another lives with us) without requiring us to to take the risk of love bonding.  In marriage addiction we avoid the vulnerability of intimacy and so fail to achieve a love bond or marriage bond.  Outwardly this may look like marriage but in reality it is silent divorce.  It lacks the power of  God's real holy marriage.

In marriage addiction  we are in a state of disobedience to God and avoidance of love bonding.  We are living without a life-giving relationship.  We are living in death and that is not good for our health.

What is holy is healthy and what is healthy is holy.  This is why Jesus insisted on healing on the Sabbath and why he declared that man is not made for the Sabbath but the Sabbath is made for man.  True love in a secure marriage bond in life-giving and healthy.  So how healthy and holy is a marriage where there is no real, holy, life-giving love bond?

George Hartwell M.Sc. Christian counsellor provides Christian counselling ( counseling / therapy ) through 90 minute in person sessions at his office in Mississauga.  As a professional Christian Marriage counsellor George provides Christian marriage counselling counseling for couples in Oakville, Mississauga, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

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 Registered Christian Psychotherapist in Mississauga

Registered Psychotherapist in Mississauga, Toronto Polish speaking

Anna Wolanczyk registered psychotherapist by Skype, in Mississauga, Toronto, Ontario

George Hartwell registered psychotherapist and Christian counsellor in Mississauga, 

Toronto by Skype or phone or in person

George Hartwell

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